Welcome back listeners! To those of you from far away lands, from medium range realms, and up close compartments hidden in the walls, It’s me, the one known far, medium, and close as Vikki Other. From my timeline to yours… this, is Radio Other. (Intro) I know that Uncanny Valley isn’t exactly the biggest or bustliest town out there, but we sure as sheep get our dandy good lot of visitors either way. Tourism is actually one of the biggest business booms around our little land. But one question I’m always being asked is - where is the best place to go. Well, as someone whose lived here since I was spawned, I think I’m a great guy to answer that. So, I’ve compiled my top ten tourist traps and areas of amazing appeal. But first: A little bit from the news.

The newly elected President Diana of Catalonia has tweeted a revision of the acronyms used by the old government. “Tradition is comfort. We are not made to be comfortable beings. We are made pointy. We are made pacing. Embrace your razor sharp scars. Do not live awake.” After that, she took off her fox ear headset, wiped some stray splatters of pigs blood from under her eyes, ended the Livestream, and proceeded to tweet the following:

And back to the main program-

Now, since I’m terrible at keeping all my little thoughts organised, I actually prerecorded the main monologue, but don’t worry- I’ll still chime in with charm to deliver you my ad-lib spiel, so you know you’re getting a real deal! Without further ado today, let’s begin our journey: Of Uncanny Valley.

Number one is a personal fave of mine - just across the field of the Uncanny Middle School, by the treeline, you’ll find the Maisy Days Diner and Milkshake Shack. It was built in the 60s by Daisy Mae, and her lover, Maisy Day. Of course, both died within a year of the shack opening, but that didn’t stop the place from becoming a staple. No new employees have ever been hired, nor is there any record of business continuing. But walk in, and you’ll be seated and served by spectral servants that evade your glimpsing gaze. The Jukebox will play a full set of oldies every day at 2 o’ clock, so drop in around that time, and dance it up with your own little Daisy’s.

CURRENT V: This was our favourite spot to go whenever we had a bad day. I always got a double honey peanut butter pretzel twist milkshake with mango sprinkles and rainbow whipped cream, and Lizzy got a disgusted look every time I ordered. Ah, the good old days strike again.

RECORDED V: Number two is the Screech Singers, the local choir ensemble composed entirely of Banshees! Once a week, every week, you can gather in the north side of town to listen in on one of their famous performances. For five bucks, you can get a chair and sit down to enjoy the maddening music. The chair will be pulled from your own home, and as a bonus, you don’t get to choose which one! If they like it, the choir will keep the chair. You do not get your money back. Saying this out loud, it occurs to me this is really a terrible business plan.

CURRENT V: I would encourage the Screech Singers to contact me, as I think I might actually have a solution to this… unfortunate business choice. Preferably over text! Sorry guys. Nothing person, it’s just that your voice is a deafening wail of drunken despair.

RECORDED V: Next up, we have: The time spire! Another particularly mysterious monument. It’s a tall brick watchtower on the east side of town that can be climbed. At the top, when you look out, you can see the entirety of Uncanny valley - the schools, the shops, everything and everywhere you’ve lived and seen. Well, only if you’ve lived a good long while. That’s the catch - the view is always the Valley from a different year. The year is always random. You’ll see all the houses, structures, people, etc, as they were way back when. You haven’t actually time traveled - don’t try to call out or drop something down. It won’t work. Climbing down will bring you back to the present. But for a few seconds, you’ll be somewhen else in time. Isn’t that just dandy?

CURRENT V: Oh, you gotta check out the Time Spire. George and I used to have so much fun with this thing - seeing how far apart on the stairs we had to be to end up in different years, trying to shout out from the top, drop rocks on the citizens. Nowadays, I still like to go up there. Alone, obviously. And I don’t cause so much chaos anymore. But… it’s a good place to think. Okay, next.

RECORDED V: Anyone feel like calling their Mom? No? Well, if you want a little motherly love, visit Mother’s Meadow, identifiable by the two story white traditional house, plotted with a lovely border of picket fences and pansies. Knock on the door, and Mother will answer, dressed in a floral a line dress and apron, her face devoid of features or familiarity as always. Sit down for tea, tell her about your day, and get the full dose of motherly love from a complete stranger. Don’t try sleeping there - you’ll just wake up in the woods, alone again. But it’s nice while it lasts, right? You can visit, but you can never stay. She is not your mother. She is a stranger. She knows you too well.

CURRENT V: Ah, Mother’s Meadow… I… I never went. For some reason, I always had this irrational fear that I’d knock and… no one would answer. It’s okay though. It sounds rather over the top anyway.

RECORDED V: Now, for Number five, we have not a location, but a local! The Beast of Exmoor, which is the Valley’s big cat. It’s actually the Elementary School’s mascot, and he regularly comes to their games to sit with kids and let them pet him. The soundproofing quality of his fur is quite good for kiddos who get a bit overwhelmed by all the cheering and screaming and choked fatal sobs that come with Football games.

CURRENT V: I love the Cryptids we get around here. It’s so lovely to know that our eldritch horrors are also great community citizens. Just warms your cold, decayed heart, y’know?

RECORDED V: Up next, we have the Anathema Art Gallery, which is a great place to go if you have absolutely nothing else to do, and also feel confident in your Will’s contents. The Anathema is an art gallery that curates the cursed. Plaques of plagues, from sentience in statues to paintings with peril in their lips, assuming you’re stupid enough to kiss a painting.

CURRENT V: We had a field trip here in seventh grade! Ms Kelsey, the playground monitor, went with us! Her body was never found.

RECORDED V: Carrying on with our theme of cursed creations, we’ve got a much more interesting number seven. The Stone Forest was once the Burial Grounds for the Abery family, founded by Joseph Abery after his son, Wilson Abery, died of a curse that had been cast upon their family by a vengeful Witch. The family, ashamed of having a son turned to stone, built a cemetery, which they fenced off with iron gates, and hid his statue. They soon added their daughter, Adelaide Abery, and soon themselves. For centuries, the Stone Forest grew, until the last descendant killed herself, ending their family line. It stands to this day, each member locked in petrified rigour mortis, as they accept their last seconds of life, their first eternity of ending.

CURRENT V: Technically, the Abery Family’s Burial Grounds is still considered Private Property, even though it’s now owned by the government. But that hasn’t stopped me from breaking in every fall to record an episode amongst the dead. So go down and check it out yourself! Just make sure to bring wire cutters, a flashlight, and a really good cover story if the cops find ya.

RECORDED VIKKI: Now, if you wander to the west side, you’ll find yourself at the gates of the Uncanny botanical gardens. Look for the wrought iron gate of winding vines. Admission is 10 dollars, but I’d advise you to get on their site and thoroughly scan through the rules before you visit. For example, the hazmat suit policy, which they make very clear on their page, unlike some of the other policies. These “hidden policies” are said to be the cause of the seventeen disappearances of garden visitors and personelle, whose bodies were never found, but were all seen in the dreams of family members, faces twisted and screaming. While you’re there, I recommend checking out the carnivorous plant collection, including the Watching Flowers, with their oh so lovely eyes, Grapplevines, famous for their tendency to grab visitors by the ankles and drag them out of sight, never to be seen again, bleeding ferns, mouthed orchids, and my favorite carnivorous plant of all time, dandelions!

CURRENT VIKKI: Watching flowers were my seventh grade science topic, so I ended up going to the gardens to observe them up close. Ellie had the class with me, so she went with me. She was doing hers on Hydrodrangeas.

YOUNG ELLIE: Presentation notes: Hydrodrangeas are a class of aquatic flora known for having a symbiotic relationships with Meremaschera, commonly known as Maskmaids. In short, Maskmaids keep the plants safe from being eaten, in return for the hallucinogenic effect they cause when the sap from their pods is released into the water.

CURRENT VIKKI: Maskmaids could only properly attack isolated travelers, though, so as long as we went together, we’d be fine. We had entered the gates in the early morning together, and made for the Deep Exhibit first. There was a silence to the place, all alone, just Ellie and I entering the water. But at least we weren’t… fully alone.

YOUNGER ELLIE: Presentation notes: Maskmaids are deep sea aquatic reptiles named after their unique appearances, which resemble the more common mermaids. However, in their actual behaviour, Maskmaids more closely resemble Sirens. While they don’t appear to have vocal chords as sirens do, they have a channel in their throat that allows them to perform a version of echolocation. Any singular living creature hit by this “projection”, will enter a state similar to that of a hallucinogenic trip, being unable to control their body or process any feelings, as they make their way towards the maskmaids. Thankfully, Maskmaids are unable to focus this effect on more than one individual, so a second party can be used to help the victims overcome the trance, and escape.

CURRENT VIKKI: It went…. well, actually.

YOUNGER ELLIE: From a distance, Maskmaids resemble mermaids very closely, with long scaled bodies, long tangled hair in a range of colours, and attractive humanoid faces. However, their facial features lack mobility. The eyes do not blink, and appear milky, possibly rendering them blind. When a victim comes close enough, the face will split down the centre, opening to reveal a deep maw filled with rows of sharp vicious teeth. The Maskmaids will then devour the victims.

CURRENT VIKKI: We saw one Maskmaid. It was… beautiful, I suppose. It was pale, painted. But wrong, rigid and unfeeling. It lacked the lustre, the love, of human features.

We didn’t look at it. Ellie took her notes. I’m not sure what I would’ve done if one of us had been caught. Then we went to the Carnivorous Greenhouse. The Watcher Flowers sat in the back, against the green tinted glass, vines spilling out and across the floor, motionless. As we approached, each flower stem swiveled, and looked at us. The first thing I’d learned in my research was to never. Make. Eye contact.

YOUNGER V: Presentation notes: The best tip for tending to Watcher Flowers is to never make eye contact with the plant. Unlike other carnivorous plants, which feed off of flesh, these feed off of fear and feeling! They’ll attach themselves to your conscience, carving you out from the inside. Sucking you to the marrow of your mind. Once they’ve gotten a hold, the only way to avoid completely being destroyed is to break eye contact.

CURRENT VIKKI: I didn’t know why I didn’t tell Ellie not to. I guess I wanted to… know. What would happen. I should’ve told her. God, I should’ve told her.

YOUNGER V: Presentation notes: For a long time, it was said that eating the Watcherflower “seeds”, or eyes, would grant unnatural abilities to the consumer. Over time though, this has been mostly disproven by scientific studies and extensive research. It was only for a second. I… I swear I only let her look for a second. At least I… at least I got her out before they could do much permanent damage. I think? Yeah. I broke her off. That… It was fine.

YOUNGER V: Presentation notes: Even short-term exposure to Watcher flowers can cause lingering effects, lasting from an average of one year, to ones whole lifetime. Effects include a skewed sense of reality, increased paranoia and trust issues, and a fear of surveillance or observation. All in all, a very dangerous plant, to be avoided at all costs.

V: That’s not- I mean-

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

V: Oh!

(muttered) Golly gosh to the graces, just great- (louder) Come… come in?

[THE DOOR OPENS]

E: Vikki.

V: E-ellie! I- God, I- [FAKE CHEERY] I mean, J-Just the person I was hoping to see. (recovering) What fascinating theories have you found for us today?

ELLIE, matter of fact: None.

V: O-oh! Then- what- why are you-

E: Because I quit.

V: … what?

ELLIE: I quit. I’m not doing this with you anymore.

VIKKI, playfully on the edge of a panic attack: Ellie! Are you joking with me? You can’t just quit! We’ve come so far. I mean- why quit now? What happened? I- I didn’t mean to, I mean what-

E: I’m not… look. I’m done with the investigation.

V: … oh.

E: Sorry. It’s just- this has gone too far. I… it wasn’t a good idea in the first place, and it’s not good for me anymore. .And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll follow my lead. I don’t suppose you will though.

V: …. I-

[SHAKY BREATH]

Were you… out there listening?

E: Huh? I- no. No, I wasn’t. I don’t listen to your shows, Vikki Other. Frankly, I already get enough of you talking about yourself without listening to a dedicated hour of it every couple days.

V: Oh! Well I mean- that’s! … Oh. You’re quitting.

E: Yeah. I told you that a few times already.

V: … I I’ll see you around.

E: Yeah… I sort of hope I don’t.

[THE DOOR SLAMS]

RECORDED VIKKI: Up next in our tour, we have: The Rottenwoods!! Have you ever wanted to decompose? Have you ever thought about how pretty your bones would look exposed? Do you suffer from a rotten mind and lying eyes that don’t listen to your prayers for a slower demise? Well, in the rottenwoods, decay is imminent and unending! Stay a while, and let your dreams turn into a rotten reality. Come to the rotten woods, and let your fears decay, your flesh and organs melt away from broken bones. This can be your new home. Enter the Rottenwoods! You’ll be here forever.

CURRENT VIKKI: … next… one?

RECORDED VIKKI: And last, but not least on our list, we’re left with the Lot! Now, what is the Lot? Well, it’s the most interesting scientific discovery in Uncanny Valley. To the viewers eye, it resembles an empty concrete parking lot. To the ears, it sounds like an empty concrete parking lot. When you touch the ground, it feels like an empty concrete parking lot. But the experts who own it assure us that this is not true. They have never specified any of these anomalous properties that they insist are present, but it certainly is something deeply fascinating. For 5 dollars, you can enter the property perimeter. For ten, you can take off the blindfold and gas mask they equip you with at the entrance. And for fifty, you can even stand inside the 10 x 10 square it takes up for five whole seconds. I truly feel like this is a firm example of why Admission is 10 dollars, but I’d advise you to get on their site and thoroughly scan through the rules before you visit. For example, the hazmat suit policy, which they make very clear on their page, unlike some of the other policies. These hidden policies

CURRENT VIKKI, sounding angry now: …. From my timeline to yours…. I’m Vikki. This is Radio Other. …