Writer, Editor, and Director: Finley Cole
Voices: Finley Cole (Vikki), Spencer Dougherty (Ellie Richards), Maureen Murray (Charlotte "Lottie" Murphy)
VIKKI
Welcome back, darling listeners and non-listeners, those of you who are vile, eldritch, and decrepit, and everyone else.. I’m your host, the one currently known as Vikki, and formerly known as Vikki Other. From my timeline to yours… this is Radio Other.
VIKKI
Now you may remember that my meeting with LIzzy wasn’t COMPLETELY fruitless. She keeps a bag of lemon drops under her desk, as “rewards” for completing tasks. I stole two. Not sure I get the hype , but I’ve never been as easily lured by food as everyone else seems to be.
[PAUSE]
Oh, she also gave me some top secret documents.
I’m not sure she actually looked at what she was giving me, because I’m currently holding her prescription for anxiety medication. Anyways, let’s continue to our top secret documents, or as they are now called, just “documents”.
Here we go-
Document one.
Letter from Head Bishop Vorilhon of the Otherworld Raelian Church, regarding Elohim communications and Clonaid operations. Processed by Lizbet Dowell.
We would like to use the basement of the public library on Xochitl AH for our next three ritual meditations. Noise proofing would be optimal, and we promise that no major fatalities will occur if everything goes to plan. As usual, we would hope to enlist your services in ensuring that the library is empty during these hours, and that no footage or documentations of our work is released to the public.
VIKKI
well, too late for that [THEY SNORT]
No direct illegal activity will be conducted, so we hope this will be an easy yes from you.
Yours truly,
Bishop Vorilhon Rael
Notes from Evil Head Librarian Dowell: “Xochitl” is using terms borrowed from the Elohim calendar. It means “Sunday”. They’re asking to use it on Sunday. AH seems to be a marker of time used in the cul- er, society. I looked a little bit into past records of their practices, and it seems these “rituals” are just… (sigh) glorified org.ies. That’s fun. I will be approving their request, and will close down the library for repairs the next three weeks. I’ve also contracted the flu for the next 3 Sundays, and will be taking the day off work.
Notes end.
VIKKI
Huh, Raelians. I’ve heard of them. My brother joined them after he left the space army. Not a huge deal though. Alright. Next document!
Letter from W. Westcott, Ipsissimus of the O.G.D, regarding, uh, “American” relations after Bremont’s escape, induction and transport in 1922. Processed by Lizbet Dowell.
While this issue was decidedly settled years ago, we are disappointed to hear that further reports of… “American” refugees being processed. After the last of our Order died, we were hoping that all further “rescue” missions would be discontinued. However, it seems, that is not the case. We have tried to reach Bremont about this, but her wife said that she did not want to talk about her past involvements.
End this research now, before it’s too late. Do not attempt any more of these adventures. We urge you.
From Westcott.
Notes from Head Evil LIbrarian Dowell:
I’m not sure what exactly they want me to do with this. I know as an Evil Librarian that it makes perfect sense these sort of documents should be run through me, but I didn’t think the government would end up on the charter, and even moreover, that they’d be so… vague.
Or maybe “vague and ominous” is just the status quo, and I need to get with the program. I don’t know. Either way….
This worries me. Notes end.
VIKKI
Now, this…. This is certainly interesting, my friends. Oh ho ho! The Order of the Golden Dawn. The little government branch that could, until every member locked themself ritualistically in the Library of Alexandria and haven’t been seen since. It seems they’re still alive though, which is probably good! I have no idea. But even weirder is the mention of “American”. I… haven’t heard of that.
[PAUSE]
I should’ve heard of that. I should’ve heard of that, because I- that doesn’t-
V, shaky: Well darling listeners. I think it’s a good time to give Ellie that call I post-poned and procrastinate so vigorously. Er, hold one second.
*RING. RING.*
*PHONE PICKS UP*
E, suspicious: Yes? Who is this? What do you want?
VIKKI
It’s me.
ELLIE
Who is “me”
VIKKI
You know who.
ELLIE
No I Do Not.
VIKKI
(Sighing) Vikki.
ELLIE
(Subdued) Oh. (renewed enthusiasm) Right! Okay.
VIKKI
You’ve got my attention, Ellie. Talk.
ELLIE
Oh my god, yes. Wait a minute. I’ve got some super good stuff here.
VIKKI
You found out more?
ELLIE
Yep! Actually, I’ll send you the documents later in a nondescript package left somewhere beside one of your windows.
VIKKI
Ellie, you work two doors down. You could just walk over and hand them to me, you know?
ELLIE
Oh right. Or I could do that.
[PAUSE]
ELLIE, CONTD.
Uh, I’ll be over in two seconds.[SHE HANGS UP]
VIKKI
While we’re waiting, I’d like to talk about my personal experience with caring for pets. As some of you may know, I own a cat and a dog, which is a unique experience due to the fact that cats and dogs don’t always get along! But I’ve found some great ways to counter this.
My dog, Patrick, is a two year old golden retriever, and a general sweetheart. My cat, Kalabhiti, is a dark omen, and allergic to cheese. Patrick is usually nice to Kalabhiti, but tends to get intimidated by Kala’s true form, when Kala’s hunger gets the better of them and begins vibrating and levitating slightly, pulsing with dark energy and opening hundreds of glowing eyes along its void-like side. Usually though, a couple head scritches and some bits of chicken will settle her back down.
When I was younger my brother got a bad case of stomach spiders, and I took some of the non-invisible ones and kept them as pets. It was the closest thing I had to a family at the time. They only spoke dead languages and performed noisy dark rituals after lights out, but they never bothered me, or said hurtful things about me “not living there” or that they “weren’t actually my brother, who even are you and why are you in my room”.
I’m getting off topic here. Back to Kalabhiti and Patrick. Now, Kalabhiti often has trouble falling asleep, so I’ve taken to putting on the radio for her. Usually I’ll wake up to her giant fluffy black paws on my face, green eyes glowing haunting, unblinking, and emitting a soft static hiss. She’ll sit there until I get up and turn on the A.M radio, where she’ll settle down and curl up next to me, purring. It’s very sweet. So far she only will listen to Serial Killer dramas and Alien talk shows.
By the way! This is a very personal podcast, but I always like to spread awareness where I can. That said - I’d like to tell everyone to please, for the love of Illuminati, STOP identifying any flying objects you see. They’re called UFO’s for a reason! I know a few of them myself, who I won’t identify, and they said that the ordeal of being given an identity is mortifying and incredibly stressful. With all due respect. Leave our local flying objects UNidentified.
Now, I-
ELLIE
Hello?
VIKKI
ELLIE WHAT IN JELLYBEANS I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF A BROADCAST AGAIN
ELLIE
You invited me over!
VIKKI
Just because I request your presence doesn’t mean I enjoy it! I schedule dentist appointments, but I don’t eagerly await my turn with bated boisterous breath!
ELLIE
I actually think the dentist is kind of fun-
VIKKI
(overlapping) No! Instead I await my turn in disgruntled rage, my every cell loathing the agony to come-
ELLIE
(cont like Vikki isn’t talking) Y’know, it’s just a sort of environment. All organised and with those fun fact posters-
VIKKI
Dentists are evil. They will eat our souls, Ellie. They will eat you.
ELLIE
(Cont) Plus, it smells pretty nice. (realising what Vikki has been saying) Wait, what?
VIKKI
(completely serious) Dentists eat people. (back to their chipper self) Anyways, put the papers on my desk and make your words snappy! We might have all the air time in the world, but our short insignificant lives could end any moment.
ELLIE
Vikki, our lives are not insignificant. I know being ominous is your thing, but you need to remember that we are currently on the edge of unravelling one of the biggest mysteries of our century. Of our universe.
VIKKI
Well you’re certainly hyping this up. Give me some facts!
ELLIE
Of course! So you know the John guy I told you about?
VIKKI
Obviously.
ELLIE
Well, I went back to the town, and looked back at those archived files. They’re on the top right there.
[Vikki picks them up while Ellie continues talking]
ELLIE
That’s your proof I’m not just making stuff up. Then I went around town and did some interviews. Got them on tape, since you’re such a fan of that old-school vibe. Here-
(sound of clattering tapes)
VIKKI
Good lord! How many people did you interview?
E, voice low and very tired: Every. Single. Fvcking. Resident.
VIKKI
Language! There are children listening.
ELLIE
Children don’t exist. They’re all just spies for the invisible government.
VIKKI
I’d argue, but seeing as they’re still looking for proof I was even a child, I really have no counter-evidence.
ELLIE
Exactly. Even if you did remember being a child, its just false memories that they want you to think are real.
VIKKI
Understood. Now, let me get that tape player… (Rustling)
ELLIE
Jesus. You just keep that lying around?
VIKKI
Absolutely. You never know when you’ll need it. I also have a knife. See?
ELLIE
OHGOD! Yes- I see- Please stop pointing that at me-
[VIKKI LAUGHS]
VIKKI
Course’. Now. Which ones do I start with.
ELLIE
The ones that were actually productive I marked with a red pen on the label.
VIKKI
That’s… three of them.
ELLIE
Apparently it was back in the day! Not a lot of people who remember.
VIKKI
Then why’d you keep the rest of them?
ELLIE
I- It was- (pause) (softly, talking more to herself than Vikki) Why did I do that….? (to vikki again, normal volume) I have no clue.
VIKKI
Quiet! It’s starting.
ELLIE
Oh! Of course. I’ll- just be quiet.
(START TAPE)
ELLIE
Alright. I think it’s running. Now, Miss… I didn’t get your name. Sorry.
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Lottie.
ELLIE
I’m sorry?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Charlotte Murphy, but everyone calls me Lottie.
ELLIE
A-alright… Lottie. (she’s uncomfortable calling an older woman by first name) So, this is a tape recorder, I know it’s a bit old fashioned but its for my coworker whos a little shi-
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
I know what a tape recorder is, kid. Do you need a light?
ELLIE
Oh- I don’t- I don’t smoke.
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Hm. Cause’ I need one. Can I borrow yours?
ELLIE
Of course- (she rustles through her pockets)
(Lottie laughs)
ELLIE
Wait-
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
So you sure about that cigarette? I have a pack.
ELLIE
It’s- I don’t smoke. It’s… for burning things.
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
What kinds of “things”
ELLIE
Papers. Books. I burn my dinner a lot too, but not with a lighter, I just suck at cooking- Sorry, I’m getting off track.
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
I’ll get you back on- Get to the point- Whadya want from me, kid?
ELLIE
Okay- Um- (she clears her throat, voice more steady as she gets into the groove. She’s good at interviews.) Have you ever heard the name John Kennedy Jr?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
John Kennedy Jr?
ELLIE
Yeah.
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Hot damn. Now that’s a name I didn’t think I’d be hearing again. Yeah, I knew John Kennedy Jr alright.
ELLIE
What… what exactly was he like?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Hm. Hard question. He was an odd fella. Nice - always nice. Adored that wife of his like she was Blavatsky. Sister was okay too.
ELLIE
Odd? In what way?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Talked about having three names - John F Kennedy he’d say. I think- he called it his “middle” name. I always thought it was bullshit.
ELLIE
and now?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Still think it’s bullshit. Like I said. He was odd. Get him drunk enough, he’d start going off about his home. Place called “America.” I never paid him much mind - he was just a man with a screw loose and a good heart, and I can respect that.
ELLIE
Is. Is that all then?
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
I think so.
ELLIE
Of course- thank you so much- that’s really helpful-
CHARLOTTE "LOTTIE" MURPHY
Course it is. Now go bother some other old woman.
ELLIE
Yes ma’am! Sorry! [she squeaks, and then the tape recorder clicks off]
[back to Vikki and Ellie in the booth]
ELLIE
So that’s tape one, um, I have the second one ri-
VIKKI, OVERLAPPING:
Did she say America?
ELLIE
Yeah, why?
VIKKI
Check this out. Got these from Lizzy when I broke into her work place.
ELLIE
Again?
VIKKI
Here.
[PAPERS RUSTLING]
ELLIE
I don’t - Oh. America.
VIKKI
What do you think it means?
(PAUSE)
ELLIE
It’s a cult.
VIKKI
A cult?
ELLIE
Run by evil clowns.
VIKKI
Like the heyoka? But we know about them, and they’re okay.
ELLIE
It could be a certain branch!
VIKKI
Do they seem like they’re under theia mania?
ELLIE
Not really, but that doesn’t mean-
VIKKI
It could be that-
[BOTH SIGH]
VIKKI
Here, you take the documents, I’ll take the tapes, and we’ll meet back next week.
ELLIE
Really?
VIKKI
I rarely kid. I mean, I frequently joke, but rarely do I kid.
ELLIE
Oh- Alright then- Er.
VIKKI
“Thank you Mx Vikki”
ELLIE
Yeah. Thanks, Vikki Other.
VIKKI
Just Vikki.
ELLIE
Oh right-
ELLIE
Just Vikki.
VIKKI
Now go! I’m done with you!
ELLIE
Alright, alright! I’m leaving! Don’t throw that at me!
(The door slams. A loud thunk is heard against the wall. Vikki has thrown the thing, it seems)
V, satisfied: Good! All taken care of. Now, I have some tapes to look at. Until next time, my darling listeners. This…. Has been Radio Other.