V: Welcome back, darling listeners and non-listeners, ladies, gentlemen, gentleladies, and violent eldritch horrors that have no use for our gender binary. I’m your host, the one formerly known as Vikki Other, and currently known as Vikki. From my timeline to yours… this is Radio Other.

V: None of my friends wanted to be here today, and all threatened various types of legal and illegal action if I were to continue messaging them, so it’s just you and me, talking to you like an old friend and keeping you safe in the company of my voice. However, I did manage to bring one guest, even if I don’t think we’ll be getting any fascinating vocal bits from her. This is Khalabiti, darling listeners.

V, fond: Say hi to the listeners, Khalabiti! Say hello!

K: *mews and purrs*

V: She is in my lap right now. I’m not supposed to bring pets to work, technically, but I have a doctor appointment later, and I need her for protection. Last time, the doctors nearly managed to stick a needle in my arm. Thankfully, I managed to break a window and escape before any permanent damage could be caused. My body is an ancient temple, covered in ivy and lichen and crumbling walls, and I will not have it modernised with medicine. Not that I’m against it. Feel free to do with your body as you wish. But I don’t trust doctors with more tentacles than eyes. The tentacle to eye ratio should be 1:2, and my doctor is at least 6:4.

Speaking of doctors, I told you about the problem at the blood drive the other day, right? Well, when I was talking with George, he told me that if I were to stop texting him and leave him alone he’d give me some information on it to “yell about on my little show”. His words, not mine! And, well, I’m not a reporter by any means, but there’s something about a good scoop on a juicy bit of gossip I just can’t turn down. So the blood drive didn’t just have a problem - it had a incident. Full break in. Blood samples, stolen!

Now, I actually donated recently - the doctors there all have the right tentacle to eye ratio, and while I don’t like injecting chemicals into my body, my blood is a holy thing and I love to share it with others. I’m type O, by the way. I like to think the O stands for Other. Perhaps if I can’t be Other in name, I can be Other in blood. But I’m getting off track.

The point is, apparently the break-in was successful, and samples of blood were stolen from 3 patients, along with some donor records! Can you believe that? Such a big scandal in our little town! It’s UNbelieveable. At first, it was suspected to be the local vampire gang doing another demonstrative protest.

If I’m correct, the major Vampire gangs that I know of operating here are the Blood Brothers, and “Vampires of the Grave New World”, which is a mouthful and MUCH less catchy, but after some looking in, it doesn’t seem like the crime would tie to either. There’s no signature marks of either group - messages on the walls in blood, complimentary birthday cakes with rude words written on top, etc.

The operation was smooth enough that George said he suspects it was a group effort, and a group with experience too. Now, this leaves some questions in my head: Who was it? And more importantly, why?

The thing is, Vampire gangs have good use for the blood, even if I don’t support their means of getting it. It could be a cult, but there’s actually a charity that specialises in collecting virgin blood to use for rituals, and from what I hear, it’s a very open minded organisation, and treats their clientele well. So perhaps it was just another group of vamps we haven’t heard about, a new cult out for blood - pun fully intended, by the way - or…

*pause*

Maybe there was a more specific reason. They said donor documents were taken, and only a few specific blood samples were stolen. So what if there was a more sinister motive? What if for some reason, they wanted the blood of these specific people? Or even stranger, what if they didn’t want whoever it was going to to have it? Could it be…?

(gasp)

Good lord.

They’re creating clones of us. A whole clone army.

That’s it. It all makes sense. John F Kennedy Jr was the first one. A clone!

Wait… no. That doesn’t make sense. If they’re stealing blood, then it can’t be that far along. Still though… we can’t discredit the theory.

(vikki prepares for a violent topic change)

Anyways, I listened to the two other tapes. I have a list compiled here of everything we now know.

There was a person named John F Kennedy Jr who did not exist for the majority of his life

The first reported evidence of his existence was July 20th, 1999

He died ten years after arriving

He worked with an organisation called “America” - possibly a cult

He had a wife, Carolyn, and a sister, Caroline

Which… is not much.

Hang on.

What- what if America is the cult that stole the blood? From the blood drive? I mean, obviously there’s plenty of secretive cults, but maybe they heard our radio show, and decided to attack us in some way?

That wouldn’t make much sense though, seeing as I only begun investigating this a week after the blood bank was ransacked. Unless it’s a prophetic cult… or worse, time travelers. Oh my god. A time travelling super-cult of evil clowns that clones its members and sends them out to spy on the public.

It makes so much sense.

But…

Why do I somehow get the feeling I’m missing something? It’s like I just… know something is wrong.

But what is it that I’m missing?

(frustrated shouting) There’s too many loose pieces, all these fragments. It’s like trying to shove together a puzzle, from a box that’s really three different puzzles mixed together, and you have no hint as to what the end picture for any of them even looks like!

(heavy breathing)

Sorry.

Wow, that was a great analogy…. I should be a writer. Or a puzzle maker. I could make really confusing puzzles no one could solve. It would just be all pulled from reality! (slightly hysterical laughter) Ohhhh… god. Wow.

Maybe what I need is just a way to better visualise all of this. Something that could help me… Ack!

*sharp intake of breath. Hissing static, distant chanting*

*wait. and….*

Vikki: Oh!

Sorry. That was… Billie. My third eye. It opened.

Again.

I have an idea for how I can understand all of thi better. Wait one sec.

(Rustling)

(Phone ring)

(Ellie’s Voicemail)

(IN CASE OF VOICEMAIL:

You’ve reached my voicemail. Who is me? That’s a good question. Wouldn’t you like to know, interloper? You shouldn’t have this number. Definitely should not. Flee now, tresspasser. Stay alert. They already have you surrounded. You are not alone.)

AUTOMATED VOICE: At the tone, please record your message.

V: Hey Ellie! We’re going on a shopping trip this Saturday at CVS. You have no choice in this matter! Be there. Be ready. Trust no one. Byeeee!!!!

(They end the message, slamming the phone down a bit hard)

V: Hm… was that too passive? Maybe I should’ve added an ‘or else’ somewhere…. Nah, Ellie knows it’s implied. (darker tone) I hope.

Moving on, I recently got my seventh restraining order filed against me! This time it was by billionaire celebrity Rita Ramirez, who announced it via Twitter! I have my phone - not my Otherphone, my other phone - with me right now, and will now be reading it to you!

That’s it, folks. That’s the list. Now, I can only assume this podcaster is me! Now, I don’t condone the slander regarding my name. It was not “stolen”. It was “taken”. If you’re going to be spreading juicy gossip about me, at least get your facts right! Also, while I don’t object to being described as annoying, I really prefer the term “omnipotent”.

So that’s seven, darling listeners. Seven whole restraining orders, filed against yours truly! I admit, I’m still not sure whether to count the third, as I filed that one against myself in an attempt to see what would happen, and while it was approved, it technically was immediately broken and considered null because of ordinance 6341 in our book of ancient laws, which covers this under the category of conjoined twins. So… maybe six then.

I also was talking with my friend, Ogma, who works in the studio next to mine and does a fun podcast talking about learning, niche topics, and subjects she finds interesting. However, recently, some of her listeners have begun sending in fan-mail or calls referring to her as “Oh Ancient Great One, The Mighty Old God Ogma”. She expressed being upset with these, as she does not consider herself old. As a God, she is as old as the fabric of time, as young as the sunrise and as immortal as the moon.

And, given the length of time our timeline will continue for, which is hopefully very long, she is merely middle aged.

She also asked viewers to use the term “Goddess” instead of “God”, as the many millennia of this cosmic void we call the Otherworld have made her form anew, and she would like her title to reflect that.

Anyways, that’s all really from news regarding other things.

K: *Meows*

V: Oh! There’s Khalabhiti. (crooning) Hey Kala, hey baby. You’re so sweet.

K: *Purring*

V: Now, obviously, I love my Human friends. And old gods, and old goddesses, and UFO’s and sentient mushrooms. I love all my friends. But, if I were in charge of the world, I’d probably replace them all with cats. Then you’d have all sorts of friends, wouldn’t you, you little pretty dark omen, oh yes you would!

V: I guess… wow. I’m all talked out. Now that’s a rarity. And… *SIGH* I have my doctor’s appointment.

This is going to be fun. I need to swing home and pick up my things - forms from last visit, and crossbow. I wonder if CVS still has doctor repellant…

So, from my timeline to yours… this has been Radio Other!