VIKKI

Hello Listeners and Non-listeners! To those of you with a criminal record, those of you still waiting to get one, and avid Tropical Button up shirt wearers, I’m Vikki Other. I’ll tell you right now I am wearing neon orange shorts, a blue and pink tropical button up, and rainbow suspenders. I’d like to see God try and strike me down now! Anyways, from my timeline to yours… this, is Radio Other.

(INTRO)

VIKKI

Welcome back folks! Now you may remember that last episode, I sent that jolly little voicemail to my favourite jelly Ellie - who is not actually a jellybean. Please don’t eat her. She actually has terrible anemia and so needs all the blood she can get. I’m looking at you, Mosquito Mabel… blood sucking freak. Who even hires a giant mosquito as a desk clerk? And what does a desk clerk even do? I haven’t seen her do anything here but sit creepily in the office and stare at us…

I mean, there’s jobs like that out there if its your skill set, but I don’t ever remember seeing “desk clerk” listed as one of them. Ah, she could just be government. That makes sense. Nevermind, then. Keep staring creepily, Mabel!

Just don’t suck Ellie’s blood.

But anyways, back on topic.

We went shopping!

I, a dutiful podcaster as always, recorded the whole endeavour on tape. Which I have right here!! (rustling)

So, anyways.

Here we go.

(TAPE BEING INSERTED, AND PLAY BEING PRESSED)

VIKKI

(shuffling) Okay, we’re running. Hello listeners! It’s me! Vikki.

ELLIE

Are you RECORDING this?

VIKKI

Obviously. It’s important.

ELLIE

(starting to protest) I- (giving up) Whatever.

VIKKI

Good! Alright then. So, let’s quickly introduce ourselves in case anyone here is new to the program. I’m Vikki, the one formerly known as Vikki Other, podcaster and radio host extraordinaire. And this is Ellie Rigatoni!

ELLIE

Richards. It’s Richards.

VIKKI

Sorry! They sound similar, alright?

ELLIE

How do Richards and RIGATONI sound similar? They’re COMPLETELY different words.

VIKKI

They both are common dairy products, and they both start with ‘R’!

ELLIE

Richards isn’t a dairy product. You’re thinking of wizards.

VIKKI

Oh, right. Yeah, sorry. (sigh) So, we’re outside CVS right now. Which, I gotta say, for a convenience store, this is not very convenient….

Hang on, I’m gonna do a little description thing for the listeners since they can’t see what’s going on.

ELLIE

Oh god.

VIKKI

CVS. The Corporation for the Vast Sanctum.

Each location appears to take up a small empty lot, the parking lot always empty, the windows always dark. However, once inside, the store unfolds into a seemingly endless expanse. There are no windows on the inside. And once you get far enough inside, there may not be any doors left.

The edges of the CVS beckon. Dark aisles whisper out. Wander long enough, and you will forget what you came for. Continue, and you will forget where you came from before. Stay, and you will forget there was ever a before in the first place. Then, finally, forget yourself.

Aisles change by their own whimsy. Organization is futile, yet the employees try in vain. Those who try too hard will hopefully scream long enough to be remembered.

There is only one safe way to enter a CVS, and that is to have a map. Not just any map, for the layout changes too frequently to truly comprehend. Instead, you must have a Map of What Isn’t. These maps will only appear to be more than blank paper when in somewhere that does not correctly adhere to the laws of physics or geography. If authentic, it will tap the secrets well enough to lead you through, and lead you back out.

These maps are needed in modern-day life for exploring dangerous pocket dimensions, such as Ikea, Walmart, or iHop.

They are the only way you will survive.

Thankfully, we have one right here.

(map rustling)

The Map of What Isn’t.

ELLIE

Stop worrying the edges! You’re going to tear it.

VIKKI

Oh! Yeah, sorry.

ELLIE

Alright.

(slightly ominous tone)

Let’s go inside.

(footsteps across pavement, then the sound of sliding doors. The air seems to shift with the audio, and a static rumble begins.)

VIKKI

Welcome to CVS.

ELLIE

Are you going to be narrating this entire thing? Dude, you’re going to make this take like an hour.

VIKKI

Yes I am. I am a content creator! As a content destroyer, we have many differences, but even you must understand the need.

ELLIE

A content… destroyer?

VIKKI

Obviously. When I say things, I breathe life to the words. I bring understanding to what should not be understood. You then repeat what I say and strip that all out with your boring nasally voice.

ELLIE

Vikki, I am going to beat you unconscious with a shopping basket and leave you to bleed out in aisle three.

VIKKI

Ooh! Interesting. Pose me nicely, okay? Like, this.

E, mocking: Listeners, they are now making a shape with their body that limbs should not be able to realistically understand.

V, snapping defensively: It’s called being double-jointed!

ELLIE

Whatever. Now, if you’re going to do a constant monologue, can you please actually say what we’re here for?

VIKKI

Of course not. If the CVS is aware of our motives, it might try to use them against us. In fact, try to know as little as possible. Hopefully, it should be easy for you, since you practice ignorance daily.

ELLIE

I’m not even dignifying that with a response- hang on, where are you going?

VIKKI

Shh! (footsteps) Hello sir? Er, could you help us find some things?

CVS EMPLOYEE

Uh… sure. How may I help you?

VIKKI

I’ve got a list right here, actually- (paper flipping)

CVS EMPLOYEE

Er… so, craft supplies will be aisle… 7? (under his breath) No, that was nuclear weaponry… 53? No, that’s the void… Um… (normal voice) aisle 13, I think. Sorry, I just got here.

VIKKI

No worries. Aisle 13, Ellie. Write that down!

ELLIE

Uh, will do.

VIKKI

Thank you sir.

CVS EMPLOYEE

No problem.

(footsteps moving away. Background grows slightly louder. Screams can be heard.)

ELLIE

Is… is that a dead body?

VIKKI

Not sure. Lemme check.

(footsteps)

VIKKI

Hey mister! Are you dead?

ELLIE

That’s… that’s a lot of blood.

VIKKI

Should I poke him? I kinda wanna poke him.

ELLIE

Vikki… just keep walking.

VIKKI

Fiiiine.

(pause)

VIKKI

We walk down the blood-streaked aisle. I can feel the place in my bones. It forgot its meaning a while ago. It’s… not bored. Its bored. Drained. Poisoned with ennui to the core of its bones.

I feel sympathy towards it. And I am wrong as I do. Boredoms cold mask has made it restless, and it yearns to take me.

ELLIE

Um, can you be like, slightly less ominous please?

VIKKI

I suppose. I’d prefer it if you could be less squeamish about things, though.

ELLIE

I can’t just be less squeamish! That’s asking me to change my personality to make you comfortable! Which is completely unfair!

VIKKI

Oh, Ellie. That’s just life! Changing yourself for others is the whole name of the game! There is no real me, or real you. We are shaped simply by the things surrounding us. And when those things change, we do too! It’s only natural.

ELLIE

Really? Because Vikki, you don’t change at all.

VIKKI

I never said I was talking about myself.

ELLIE

You said ‘we’.

VIKKI

Ellie, I couldn’t possibly be part of the ‘we’. I thought you’d know that. I was born at the age of ten, my personality, interests and knowledge seemingly already developed. I couldn’t possibly be shaped by anything. I have no shape. And therefore, how could I possibly change it?

ELLIE

ARGH. You are completely ignoring everything I’m trying to tell you.

VIKKI

Of course I am! I hate listening to people talk about themselves. Only I should be allowed to talk about myself.

ELLIE

Im leaving. Good luck finding supplies on your own.

VIKKI

Wait- Ellie-

ELLIE

Goodbye!

V, distant: ELLIE. THATS NOT SAFE. COME BA-

*whooshing eldritch sounds as ellie noclips into the backrooms*

ELLIE

God. That… No good, little shit-faced lying SCUMBAG narcissistic BASTARD son of a-

(stop)

ELLIE

Huh?

(eerie silence)

(static hum from lights)

ELLIE

… hello?

ELLIE

Er, I seem to be trapped in some sort of… backroom. There’s… yellow walls. Fluorescent lights. And… god, is the carpet here wet? Jesus christ, ew. What even is this place?

ELLIE

… and I’m still holding Vikki’s tape recorder. They’ll probably want that back.

ELLIE

Do I really want to give it to them, though? I mean, Vikki…

(sigh)

I have no idea how to describe Vikki. I can’t stand them. But something about them… I want to trust them.

But I can’t. All they do is talk about themself, yet I still can’t figure out if I trust a single thing they’ve said.

…

There isn’t anyone listening to me, is there? You never know where the government could be lurking.

But they already know everything about Vikki. So I guess talking about it wouldn’t really do anything.

(sigh)

George, of course, thinks they’re crazy. And, I mean… George is usually right. Except lately. Lately he’s been all… weird around me. Treating me like I’ve suddenly been turned into a glass doll. Which is totally wrong. All I want is to figure out the truth, and trust what I believe in!

Lizzy seems to think that Vikki’s okay, but, well, I know Lizzy and I never got along but I think she’s in no position to have an opinion here. Not just given how she feels, but also the whole situation from Freshman year. I mean, I’m not saying it was Vikki’s fault, but… why can’t they just learn when to back down? If it hadn’t been for Lizzy’s stupid sense for knowing when Vikki’s in trouble, they would have definitely died there.

…

At least we went with George’s plan in the end. Otherwise…

We would have all died there.

(pause. footsteps)

God, these hallways just seem to go on forever.

Maybe I should go back and find Vikki. Maybe through one of these doors…?

(door opening)

Nope. That’s just… more yellow rooms. God. (door closes. Ellie sighs)

Keep on walking, I suppose.

…

(fearful)

I think I hear something coming.

(cautious) Hello? Who’s there?! I- I can see you!

(pause)

(creaking footsteps)

(fearful whisper) Oh god.

ELLIE SCREAMS, then started running.

SOME CHAOS THEN.

DOOR OPENING, ELLIE YELPS.

VIKKI

Ellie! There you are you rascal! Seriously, I’m appalled!

E, panicked: VIKKI? Is that you? Oh my god- Is this- Am I back? Where was I?

VIKKI

Of course it’s me! I’m the one and only. (Vikki laughs) You were in the Backrooms silly goose, and in grave danger from what I saw. Good thing I came to save ya, huh?

ELLIE

Oh… of course. The Backrooms.

VIKKI

You would’ve never escaped if it hadn’t been for me.

ELLIE

God… you’re right.

VIKKI

This is where you say “Thank you, Vikki!”

ELLIE

… Thanks.

VIKKI

Hm. It’ll do! Now, c’mon. I got all we need.

ELLIE

You… you did?

VIKKI

Obviously. You think I was just waiting for you to come back? Of course not! Not that you would’ve, anyways. Now let’s just go, already. This place is SO boring.

ELLIE

Vikki, how did you find me?

VIKKI

No clue. It’s a mystery! You like those, right? You totally do. Now, can I have my tape recorder back, please? I swear, being away from it felt like my soul was wrenched in half! Nearly as bad as losing my otherphone. Now that I don’t want to think about at all.

ELLIE

Fine.

(rustling as the tape recorder switches hands)

VIKKI

Oh, my sweet baby! You’re back! I’m so glad you’re safe… I couldn’t bear living without you.

ELLIE

*sigh* Of course the fucking tape recorder gets a nicer welcome than I do.

VIKKI

Oh, shut up!

ELLIE

Fine, fine! I’m coming.

(they walk back. The screams and background noises of the store start up again)

ELLIE

Hang on, where did you get that coat?

VIKKI

Oh, this one? I found it on some guy wedged into the wall between the Pepsi and Cursed Tomes aisles. His head was missing, but his coat was okay, so I took it!

E, faintly: You… you took a dead guy’s head?

VIKKI

What? Of course not. I took his coat. The four armholes are kinda a problem, but I’m making it work. It’s all part of my trendy, convention-challenging avant garde image!

ELLIE

… “challenging” is certainly one word to describe you.

VIKKI

It really is. Do you know how much it hurts to walk in these? Whoever thought ‘high heeled light up sketchers’ were the next big thing should be jailed.

ELLIE

For once I completely agree with you, Vikki.

VIKKI

Dramatic sigh. (they literally say ‘dramatic sigh’ out loud. I don’t know why. It’s Vikki) At least they look good.

ELLIE

And once again, we drift apart, two roads diverging in a technicolour wasteland. One side travelled by an ignorant insurgent unknowingly endorsing consumerist government protocols, and the other… travelled by me.

VIKKI

Oh my pinecones, That was so poetic. You should do that metaphor but like, with us. Ooh, how would you describe me? If you’re looking for words, I’m thinking “ineffable, rapturous, and transcendent”. Maybe “spork” if you can work it in there. Work the spork! Oh dear, that does not rhyme. Ah, well.

ELLIE

We’re nearly out of the store. Can we turn the tape recorder thing off now?

VIKKI

I suppose. Well, see you soon listeners. From my timeline to yours-

ELLIE

No one fucking cares.

(the tape recorder clicks off)

—-

VIKKI

Well, that was that!

I-

I admit, I didn’t think the tape recorder would work in the backrooms. I mean, I know tape recorders are harder to corrupt, but the backrooms are pretty powerful.

So, please just ignore all the ominous muttering she did. As the towns self-appointed ruler of ominous muttering, I declare this completely redundant and false!

…

And by the way, Ellie, if you’re listening to this, what happened Freshman year was completely out of my control. I mean, I didn’t know the body was gonna be there! And I mean, if anything, blame Lizzy for finding out about the library in the first place!

I’m tired of you using this as an excuse to treat me like I can’t take care of myself.

Now, back to you, my lovelies! Now, I’m sure a few of you whippersnappers surely caught this, but I said something at the beginning of the episode that’s different from the recording.

…

That’s right! I said my name was Vikki Other. Was this simply a slip into old habits? Confusion of a tongue that’s forgotten its purpose?

Nope! Dear listeners, Vikki Other is back! I got a letter in my mail right before recording from the Government announcing the return. Now, they’ve redacted a lot of information, so I’ll be replacing all these little black markered parts by just repeating “jellyfish”, which are my favourite mythical animal.

(throat clearing) Here we go.

So that’s the news! Exciting, right? Now, I don’t know about you, but I find it fascinating to learn they can assign us threat levels. I wonder what mine is? Well, obviously, I’m not supposed to know.

Now, last but not least, a bit of information on what happened with our supplies we bought at CVS. We made a stringboard! It has little notecards with names and things, thumbstacks tied together by red string, and cute little stickers of forestry things like trees, pinecones, deer with varying degrees of clairvoyance, and the Haunted Echoed Faces Of The Nameless Lost! I just couldn’t pass them up when I saw them. I actually am an avid sticker collector, along with my other collections - snowglobes, buttons, damned spirits, animal bones, and weird taxidermy. One of these days I really want to do an episode about my collections. Hey, guess what- I have an idea for next episode!

(whispered) It was originally supposed to be a cooking segment, but last time I did one of those my fridge had to be treated for brain trauma and the hospital bill was terrible, not even adding the doctor encounters I had to fend off.

So anyway, until next time, my lovelies, my ladies, my enemies, and those of you who believe in the healing properties of tropical button ups. From my timeline to yours… this is Radio Other.